A Fictional Dog Don't Hunt

A reader writes in the ask, Do all dog breeds bark and equal amount?

 First of all, it's a really dumb question. Secondly, do you perhaps mistake me for the Dog Whisperer?

Oh, what the hell?

In fact, several breeds of dog tend not to bark much at all; Chow chows, Akitas, Mastiffs, Bulldogs and Boston Terriers highlight this category. Retrievers (pardon my incredulous laughter) also have a reputation as non-barkers, unless, of course, they happen to be insane. The bark of an unhinged Retriever can shake loose the fillings in your teeth. Prolonged Retriever barking has been known to provoke acts of sheer desperation in humans, including nail biting, excessive drinking, cutting oneself with razor blades and, in extreme cases, actually leaving the house to go jogging.

(By coincidence, Chows, Bulldogs and Mastiffs are among those breeds considered the least intelligent. Unlike Border Collies, universally acknowledged as the smartest dog breed, which don't so much bark as speak several languages)

Not to be confused with the so-called barking breeds, who will literally bark at the drop of an imaginary hat. In this group Beagles, Yorkshire Terriers, Chihuahuas and Toy Poodles are the most notorious offenders.

(In all fairness, dogs that are so small as to hardly qualify as actual dogs - the so-called barking rodent breeds - often bark defensively as a warning to their owners, who can neither see them nor particularly care if they step on them.)

Another question frequently asked by people who perhaps spend too much time around dogs:

Why Do Dogs Bark At Nothing?

Again, canine insanity may be a factor here. 

What dog owner has never inquired of his or her dog,  "What are you barking at?"

There is no record of any dog ever having answered this question.

Those savvy of canine physiology will be quick to point out that 'nothing' to a human is very likely 'something' to a dog. Lest we forget, dogs hear things we can't hear, smell things we can't smell (thankfully) and most likely know things we don't know.

Think of it this way: Your dog has to listen to you blabber on all day long, mostly about idiotic nonsense.  Barking about nothing is merely its way of emulating your apparent stupidity.

A related FAQ from dog owners:  Why is my dog smarter than me?

Possible responses:  You live in either Alabama or east Texas;  you spend more than 30 hours a week in a Walmart; your long term proximity to an excessive barking breed has had a deleterious effect on your already cell-depleted brain.  Basically, if you have to ask the question, there's very little chance you'll understand any of the possible forthcoming answers.

It's akin to the query:  Why is it that I continue to vote Republican when all Republican politicians are clearly self-serving morons?

Short answer:  It takes one to know one, although it's never too late to shift that fat rump of yours to the left.

Recently, according to a minimally reliable online news service, a man living in Indiana (recently relocated from east Texas) called 911 to report that his dog, a strong willed Shepard, had stolen his car and driven it to a nearby 7-11.
The police operator politely expressed her skepticism, then reminded the caller that tying up police lines with fatuous emergencies is a criminal offense.

The man replied:  "Hey, did you just call me fat? Look lady, this is as much of a crazy mystery to me as it is to you. The 7-11 in question doesn't even sell dog food."
 
Another version of this story is that the man called a 7-11 to report a dog repeatedly calling 911.

The 7-11 store manager told him:  "Well, if the dog can operate a cash register, doesn't mind wearing a stupid uniform and is willing to work for below minimum wage, have him come in for an interview."

A final thought:  Over time our dogs become us, and vice versa.