Friday, June 5, 2015

Blogging to Death

The annual convention of Global Bloggers Anonymous was held last month in Helsinki, Finland.

(a country, by the way, that is a lot easier to get into and out of if you're holding an E.U. passport. The Fins, for reasons not entirely clear, are particularly hard on Americans, who were confined in an airport holding area for several hours, forced to watch re-runs of Christian fundamentalist reality TV shows.

One perceptive blogger cleverly pointed out the glaring contradiction of combining the phrases Christian fundamentalist and reality, although a group of Baptist bloggers from Boise, Idaho briefly interrupted their impromptu prayer session to point out that paradoxical might be a better choice.

Which only proves that it takes a paradox to know one ...)

A perhaps more pertinent question was posed by another, strictly non-affiliated blogger, who inquired,  "What the hell is a Duggar, anyway?"
No one knew for sure, but the general consensus was that, whatever it is, the Kardashians are most likely involved.

Speaking of which ...  the vastly popular blog dedicated to this incredibly self-photogenic family - "Let's Send The Kardashians To Another Planet, A.S.A.P."  has already raised 20 million dollars for the proposed journey.
True, that's barely the cost of enough rocket fuel to get them all to the moon, but hey, it's a start.

 Meanwhile,  Is Jim Bob Duggar one guy or two?

Possible answers: 

"Who the fuck would name a kid Jim Bob?  Has to be two guys."
"Who the fuck cares?"
"Sounds like the name of a used car salesman in Alabama. Not only does he sell you a car you don't really want, but by the time you get home, you're pregnant."

Other Highlights From the Conference:

*Blogging has now replaced flogging as the preferred form of punishment in Saudi Arabia.

*The quirky ISIS blog,   "I'd Rather Blow Myself Up Than Get A Blowjob,"  is actively recruiting new bloggers.  If you can write snappy, incendiary prose, grow a mangy-looking beard and agree that the world should end as soon as possible in a mindlessly gruesome bloodbath, apply at the ISIS retail outlet nearest to you. (all successful applicants can expect a 30% discount on all ISIS merchandise)

*The World Body of Official Counters (vaguely aligned with the World Bank)  now estimates that there are approximately two billion active blogs on the planet.  That's one blog for approximately every 2.5 people.  So any day your blog gets five or more hits should be considered an unmitigated success.

*Lamenting the shrinking attention span, the disappearance of short term memory and the plummeting intelligence among the human population, bloggers are increasing adopting what's known as the Mini-Blog format.  It's basic tenant: Shorter is better; virtually non-existent is best.

For example, the popular mini-blog,  Not Worth Wasting Even Five Minutes On,  limits each posting to a single sentence fragment.

A recent one asked readers to complete the following:

"I don't know what ... "

Responses literally poured in.

"I don't know what to think."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I don't know what that awful smell is."
"I don't know what method I'll use when I murder you."
"I don't know what to do about my paralyzing depression."

Exciting stuff, n'est pa?