Monday, August 28, 2017

How Trump Is Depriving Bloggers Of The Will To Live

It's more or less official:  Blogging is down, blogs are disappearing faster than transgender liberals at a white supremacist picnic, while large numbers of bloggers report having a hard time even getting out of bed in the morning.  The general consensus among them: What's the fucking point?

As one former blogger put it:  Yeah, you know, at first Trump was like this giant golden turd, an endless source of content for blogs everywhere, but then we never actually considered the consequences of 'endless.'  It's like too much, total turd overload, a spray-tanned white out from which there is no escape. 

Another blogger confides:  At this point I'd rather join an Evangelical Christian cult of Bible-thumping child abusers - and yes, I'm now taking the whole end-of-days crap a lot more seriously - than write another word about Trump, but then I can't think of anything else to write about.

Noted psychiatrist Bernard Gert explains:  An alarming number of intelligent, progressive bloggers seem to have succumbed to what I like to call the One Dimensional Trump Trap, in which every single smart thought is immediately invaded by a supplemental dumb thought about Trump. It is possible that Trump's mental illness, spread through social media, is contagious. In short, the endless bombardment of Trump stupidity is destroying the intelligence of the human population.*

(*Needless to say, this does not apply to the 30~40 million diehard Trump supporters who are already brain dead and therefore in no immediate danger.)

Question from former blog reader:  What about dogs?  My dog is acting a lot dumber since Trump got elected.

Many bloggers admit being driven to drink by Trump.  And no, this does not mean that Trump is actually picking them up and driving them to their local pubs. Although one would have to be pretty drunk to even consider getting into a car with Trump behind the wheel.

"Excuse me, Mister President, but you're driving way over the speed limit, and also I think you may be on the wrong side of the highway."

"Not to worry, oppressed, white working class Trump sycophant.  I happen to know more about operating an automobile than professional race car drivers. Besides, all these other cars are fake. And by the way, the senate will be repealing Obamacar any day now."

"Sorry, but don't you mean Obamacare?"

"Are you kidding?  Obama doesn't care.  Not like I care." 

When asked about Trump's dangerously inept driving, advisor Kelly-Anne Speedway, perhaps not surprisingly, responded,  "Well answer me this, has anyone checked the trunk of Hillary's car for all those missing emails?"

"Are you suggesting we should lock her up?"

"At the very least, lock her in the trunk."

"With the emails."


No question that bloggers have taken a severe hit under the dark, toxic cloud of Trump, but rest assured, dear reader - there is still one of you out there, right? - this blog is back, determined to hobble forward, despite the odds.  Silence, as truly appealing as it may be, is not an option.

**Finally, it is with deep sadness that we report the recent demise of Lucy Leigh, a vital part of the Dog team, and the best four-legged broom handler there ever was.  We miss you, L.L.