Monday, November 14, 2016

The Thing That Goes Bump In The Night

Some scary shit, huh? Keeping all of us, at least the remaining rational few of us, awake at night; a monster with a bright orange face; it wears a weave, speaks like a ten-year-old sociopath, doesn't have the slightest clue, about anything, apparently; it has a name: Trump.

Trump is the Bump.

And now the Bump, or Dump, if you prefer, is the next President of the USA.

Wait a minute, that can't be ... can it?

Dump the Bump whose name is Trump!

Too late for that, friend, and you'd be well advised to show a little more respect; the Trump doesn't handle criticism well and is more excited about holding on to a grudge than grabbing a pussy. 

Hey, a pussy can also be a cat, you know? Why not give our next leader the benefit of the doubt. 

It's almost beside the point writing about it now. It's not as if words still matter, or functional minds, for that matter. A large segment of the American population just proved that the capacity to think is more or less irrelevant.

The evidence was there all along, lurking inside the headlines, but we chose to ignore it.

Trump wails and whines for twenty minutes like a baby with a poopy diaper; supporters declare it a major speech on foreign policy. 

Trump surrogate, Jeffrey Lord, who frequently arrives at the CNN set still wearing his Walking Dead zombie-extra makeup, claims that Trump's incoherent rambling and unrestrained ignorance on all  matters is actually a sign of his brilliance.  So brilliant, in fact, that even his glaring stupidity is smart.  

Having been informed that the human mind is plastic - i.e. can actually change - Trump supporters line up to have their brains surgically removed. 

As one man wearing a Trump Is Even Better Than A Blow Job tee-shirt explained:
 "A brain is a dangerous thing to have in a head. We will throw our useless brains in the ocean, because who needs them? And anyway, everyone knows that plastic pollution in the ocean is just another liberal-inspired hoax."

This can be viewed as an example of so-called magical thinking (a.k.a. magical muddling), common among the hardcore right wing nut bag set, wherein information, evidence, provable facts are simply discarded in favor of a reliance on blatantly stupid made up stuff.  And good news! These are the people who are now going to be running the government.

Ben Carson, for example. Remember him? The guy who once said,  "Evolution cannot be real because, as anyone who's ever read the Bible knows, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a dinosaur,"

Two of our other favorites, Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani, were seen entering Trump Tower holding hands. Suggestions in the evil left wing media that the two had perhaps decided to finally come out of the closet caused quite a hubbub, prompting Trump to insist they both grab a pussy for 15 minutes as a show of loyalty. The controversy was later quelled, however, when it was explained that Newt believed he was taking his pet werewolf for a walk, while Rudy was sure that Newt was Santa Claus, and was taking him to visit Santa's new bomb-making workshop on the moon.

But at least now the Republicans will have a free hand to push policies guaranteed to return the country to the 1950's, where it obviously belongs.  Because the only sensible America is white, the only God-sanctioned marriage is hetero and the only good immigrant is a deported immigrant.

Trump hints that his border wall will be made exclusively of cheese, because everyone knows Mexicans hate cheese.

Yeah, it's getting darker by the minute. Our only hope is that Trump will simply be too incompetent to do anything and will eventually quit. He'll give a whiny, I'm So Bored With This Shit speech and walk away. Meanwhile, the more we can stay asleep for the next four years, the better.

*Note: The Fictional Dog staff, having to choose between seeing Trump on the news all day everyday, or being placed in a medically-induced coma for six months, unanimously chose the later. We fully expected to awake to at least the possibility of a progressive, intelligent, democratically-inspired future. So I guess the joke is on us.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Snippets From The Unreality Zone

Oh Dear Lord!  It's once again presidential politics time in the land of the free and the home of the insane.

America, man. Can't live with it, can't just shoot it.  Well, suppose we could. It's not like we don't have the guns for it, or the God-given right to shoot anything that moves, except people, of course, because then we would have a mental illness. I know I do.

* Sarah Palin was given a weekend pass from wherever she's usually confined, turned up next to Donald Trump, and was as deliciously deranged and incoherent as we remember her. Another smart move by Trump, though, who, compared to Palin, appeared almost normal (heavy emphasis on almost). The idiots, of course, loved having Sarah back, and why wouldn't they? It's not every day they get to listen to someone who's actually dumber than themselves. Ted Cruz (a.k.a. hybrid human-lizard creature), on the other hand, took it hard. He apparently hissed, slithered into a corner and began threatening to give Palin a good spanking.

The big question, how did Trump manage to pull this off?  Insider sources say it was A million bucks donated to the Palin initiative to Wipe Out All Of Alaska's Remaining Wildlife,  and an additional hundred thousand to help the Palin kids set up their own home Meth lab. Because, hey, it's just too dang cold outside to leave the house every time we feel like getting high. 

* An eye-witness observer reports that on New Year's day a group of approximately fifty people in Miami stood out on the street firing their guns into the air.  At first assumed to be a Republican caucus in action, it later turned out to be just a group of mental deviants who do not comprehend the principle of gravity.

Hey, man, we probably fired five thousand rounds and only killed two innocent bystanders. Those are odds I can live with.

Marco Rubio, former Disneyworld Dumbo, defended the rabble-rousers by conflating gravity with climate change, which we already know is nothing more than left-wing propaganda.

It's just one more example of the thinking elite trying to impose restrictions upon us. First it was climate change, then Affordable Healthcare, now it's gravity. Tomorrow they'll be telling us we need to think for ourselves.

Note:  A Trump spokesperson appeared on CNN to clarify the issue.  "Gravity is a real thing," she said,  "it just does not apply to Donald Trump."

A truly ridiculous claim to make, even for a Trump groupie, until one realizes that the Great Trump is, in fact, a hologram.

Correction:  A hologram who knows a few Hispanic people, loves the Bible and can make America (correction, white America) great again.

And another thing, people, as a hologram, he can never die!

* As one Republican operative put it:  Yes sir, our idiot base is riled up and ready.  Assuming they don't shoot themselves first, and can manage to find the voting venues, we should have an extremely large turn out.

*Talk about anticlimax:  And then we're forced to watch the Democratic town hall prior to the Iowa caucus. I mean, come on!  All three Democratic candidates are intelligent, articulate and have rational ideas for the future. Unlike their Republican counterparts, they do not appear as either phony suck-ups or  blatant weasel-talkers. No pandering to the God-slurping dumbbells. They think about things, for Christ's sake!  What the hell kind of fun is that?