Monday, November 14, 2016

The Thing That Goes Bump In The Night

Some scary shit, huh? Keeping all of us, at least the remaining rational few of us, awake at night; a monster with a bright orange face; it wears a weave, speaks like a ten-year-old sociopath, doesn't have the slightest clue, about anything, apparently; it has a name: Trump.

Trump is the Bump.

And now the Bump, or Dump, if you prefer, is the next President of the USA.

Wait a minute, that can't be ... can it?

Dump the Bump whose name is Trump!

Too late for that, friend, and you'd be well advised to show a little more respect; the Trump doesn't handle criticism well and is more excited about holding on to a grudge than grabbing a pussy. 

Hey, a pussy can also be a cat, you know? Why not give our next leader the benefit of the doubt. 

It's almost beside the point writing about it now. It's not as if words still matter, or functional minds, for that matter. A large segment of the American population just proved that the capacity to think is more or less irrelevant.

The evidence was there all along, lurking inside the headlines, but we chose to ignore it.

Trump wails and whines for twenty minutes like a baby with a poopy diaper; supporters declare it a major speech on foreign policy. 

Trump surrogate, Jeffrey Lord, who frequently arrives at the CNN set still wearing his Walking Dead zombie-extra makeup, claims that Trump's incoherent rambling and unrestrained ignorance on all  matters is actually a sign of his brilliance.  So brilliant, in fact, that even his glaring stupidity is smart.  

Having been informed that the human mind is plastic - i.e. can actually change - Trump supporters line up to have their brains surgically removed. 

As one man wearing a Trump Is Even Better Than A Blow Job tee-shirt explained:
 "A brain is a dangerous thing to have in a head. We will throw our useless brains in the ocean, because who needs them? And anyway, everyone knows that plastic pollution in the ocean is just another liberal-inspired hoax."

This can be viewed as an example of so-called magical thinking (a.k.a. magical muddling), common among the hardcore right wing nut bag set, wherein information, evidence, provable facts are simply discarded in favor of a reliance on blatantly stupid made up stuff.  And good news! These are the people who are now going to be running the government.

Ben Carson, for example. Remember him? The guy who once said,  "Evolution cannot be real because, as anyone who's ever read the Bible knows, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a dinosaur,"

Two of our other favorites, Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani, were seen entering Trump Tower holding hands. Suggestions in the evil left wing media that the two had perhaps decided to finally come out of the closet caused quite a hubbub, prompting Trump to insist they both grab a pussy for 15 minutes as a show of loyalty. The controversy was later quelled, however, when it was explained that Newt believed he was taking his pet werewolf for a walk, while Rudy was sure that Newt was Santa Claus, and was taking him to visit Santa's new bomb-making workshop on the moon.

But at least now the Republicans will have a free hand to push policies guaranteed to return the country to the 1950's, where it obviously belongs.  Because the only sensible America is white, the only God-sanctioned marriage is hetero and the only good immigrant is a deported immigrant.

Trump hints that his border wall will be made exclusively of cheese, because everyone knows Mexicans hate cheese.

Yeah, it's getting darker by the minute. Our only hope is that Trump will simply be too incompetent to do anything and will eventually quit. He'll give a whiny, I'm So Bored With This Shit speech and walk away. Meanwhile, the more we can stay asleep for the next four years, the better.

*Note: The Fictional Dog staff, having to choose between seeing Trump on the news all day everyday, or being placed in a medically-induced coma for six months, unanimously chose the later. We fully expected to awake to at least the possibility of a progressive, intelligent, democratically-inspired future. So I guess the joke is on us.

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