Friday, July 6, 2012

The Moral Dilemma of Ratting out a Weasel

Update on animal sightings:

1: Speculation has been running wild that the weasels in the attic may not be weasels at all, but some other rodent family format, possibly in the guise of weasels. This courtesy of Mister Watanabe, the house fixer guy, who was called in to provide an expert assessment on what exactly has been running around in the attic all night.
I myself, by the way, am holding firm on the opinion that there's nothing in the attic more exotic than mice.
Mice, he informs me, with a quasi-dismissive laugh, could not possibly be producing the noise levels you claim to be hearing.
They could if they're up there jumping off miniature trampolines, I tell him, or playing some sort of full contact sport.
Home owners are often in denial when it comes to slender meat-eating mammals in their attics, he says.
Hold on a second. Weasels eat meat?
Who really knows anything about weasels?
Ask someone what a weasel looks like and he'll probably describe the creepy guy working at his office.
Would you go so far as to characterize this person as a slender, meat-eating mammal?
Come to think of it ... hey, do you know him?

2: A couple of black bears strolled out of the nearby woods the other day - woods that have been officially bear-free for the past 50 years or so. In response, the city office mobilized a team of bureaucrats, who descended on the scene with clipboards in hand and proceeded to stand at the base of the mountain taking copious notes. No bear sightings since, so we might presume that this bizarre behavior worked, although two of the bureaucrats did go missing, possibly captured by the bears.

Note 1:  I informed Watanabe in no uncertain terms that in the process of eviction no harm should befall the weasels.
Not to worry, he tells me. We intend to lure them out with colorful brochures depicting much more luxurious attics, a few of them right here in this neighborhood.

Note 2: According to Mister Watanabe, not only are there bears in the nearby woods, but also monkeys.
Any chance the mammals in the attic are not weasels, but monkeys, I ask him?
That same - who is this totally out of touch with the actual world person - laugh.
How would a monkey get into your attic? he asks.
No idea, I say. How would a weasel?
How would a weasel what?

Note 3:  Just a question.  Is anyone actually reading this blog?  There's no shame in leaving a comment, you know? No long term shame, at any rate. Do it anonymously. The more ludicrous the better. Remember, this is blog dedicated to fiction, implying that you don't even have to exist in order to have something to say.


  1. I don't know if this comment will count as I am a non fiction person whom you know but Gabe and I had a funny animal experience on Sunday. We saw a raccoon hobbling down the sidewalk in broad daylight which seemed peculiar so we crossed the street (away from the raccoon) and called Animal Services. Their advice "go up to it. if it runs away from you its probably injured and scared. If it doesn't run away from you, call me back."
    I saved the lives of 4 chihuahuas and their owner by informing her of the possibly rabid raccoon which she was about to walk right into.

  2. If this is the same Leigh who used to live in Tribeca - the same guy who vanished one day and had his so-called friends spread the stupid rumor that he was abducted by aliens - you still owe me money, pal.
    And I know you know who this is.
    Oh, and by the way, this blog sucks!